Dudes in skinny jeans…there’s no need for sex if you’re already in her pants…

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

An Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew are sitting at a bar What a fine example of an integrated community.

Jared Fogle gets sentenced 15 1/2 years in prison At least he’ll still be able to enjoy footlongs

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

Don’t break anybody’s heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.

I don’t get new car smell air fresheners Your ’98 Ford Taurus isn’t fooling anyone

Ain’t no party like a dyslexic party Cause a dyslexic party don’t pots.

It’s still Valentines day for another hour.. Roses are red Violets are blue No, they are violet FTFY

If you had a gun with 1 bullet and you see Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton chilling in a boat in pacific ocean who would you shoot? I’d shoot god damn fucking boat because both deserves to sink.