I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

When sitting in traffic behind a good looking gal, ill rear-end her gently to see if I can ignite a romantic comedy.

What do you call a potato that’s high? [A baked potato.](http://www.spudstravels.com/Travel%20Archive/Caribbean/Jamaica_images/Cannabis%20-%20close.jpg)

Why did Gigi leave the party angrily? Because she’s Hadid.

People who get offended when I breast feed publicly can fuck off What I’m doing is totally natural and strengthens the relationship between me and my dog

a 3 year old daughter * her – will i have a baby in my belly some day? * her dad – if u want to.. * her – no, that place is for candies

2015:hey how’s it going so far? 2016:uh good 15: 16: 15:you’ve got an armed mili- 16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

My kids got in a fist fight while playing one of those claw machines at the pizza joint & shit like that is why I’m never sober.

Did you hear about the ghost who was a great football player? No, what about him? He’s a spooktacular quarterback.

I really, really need to stop eating clocks It is very time consuming