Girl: Mom mom a monster’s just bitten my foot off. Mom: Well keep out of the kitchen I’ve just washed the floor.

A man once told me that he had never went to the bathroom in his entire life. I told him he was full of shit.

I hurt my neck sleeping on a pillow that was too fluffy. My body is not meant for this world.

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

Date: Do u have any allergies? Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry D: That’s an unusual reaction M: They could’ve been wine!!

What do you call a 2×4 that lost its family to a fire? mourning wood

What did the dill pickle say to jennifer lopez? U WOt M8>?

Pull my finger Pffft

I was just accosted by a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling “why you ain’t got no babies?”I bet my father in law paid her

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one to hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them.