Opinions are like orgasms, mine matter most and I don’t care if you have one.

Two months ago my best friend took off with my wife. And god damnit, I miss him.

I don’t see the issue with microcephaly. Personally, I love a little head.

OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!

The guy behind me at the grocery store only had energy drinks, root beer & gummie lifesavers, so I asked how far into assassins creed he was

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

Thank you for explaining that Geico ad to me It means a great deal

Are you ready for TheDivision’s upcoming DLC? TheAddition? If not, you might like its already-existing-but-cut-for-later content TheSubstraction.

What is Bear Grylls’ favourite vegetable? Leek.

Winston and a Cat What is the difference between J. Winston and a cat? One ruins girls clothes and steals crab legs, the other one is also losing the Rose Bowl.