There’s only one way to get a girl’s heart… And that’s through her rib cage

What do you do in a master bathroom? Masterbathe.

Which is better a stool or a box to stand on? You stand on a stool, though I prefer the ladder

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster Now it doesn’t work.

What do you call a carrot that repeats everything you say? WOAH! BACK UP, BACK UP. You’ve seen a TALKING CARROT?

If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn’t make sense. Forget it.

How does Stephen Hawking commit suicide? Alt-F4

My dog has been chasing people on bikes lately so I had to take away his bike

Two atoms are walking down the street…. Two atoms walking down the street. One says, “Damn, Ive lost an electron”. “Are you sure?” “Yep, I’m positive”.

A rapist a gangster and a murderer are in the same car… Who is driving the car? A police officer!