Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job? Ubisoft

Me: are you married? Him: separated Me: your wife know about that?

The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.

Relationships are a lot like algebra… Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

[dinner party] GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia? ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

What did the Mexican say when the house fell on him? Ayyyy watch it homes!

A selfie stick is very useful….. .. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

Donald – Knock knock Hilary- Who’s there? Donald – Interrupting Donald Trump Hilary – Interrupting Don— Donald – WRONG!

“I enjoy working with a hammer, but I don’t want a blue collar job.” – Everyone who eventually becomes a judge.

I was talking to coworkers about quitting this job and working as a pornographic actor… I decided against it, because I realized I was quitting “This fucking job for that fucking job.”