Vending machines are so homophobic Like, I’m sorry my dollar bill wasn’t straight enough for you.

Ever see the movie human centipede? That movie sucks ass.

What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick? A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..

I think I’m gonna become a solipsist, who’s with me? Wait… no one’s with me.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two! But don’t ask me how they got inside there.

A man walks in to a green grocer’s “Excuse me ma’am, are these carrots genetically modified?” “No” interrupted the carrot.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home….

I watched the African version of “Man v. Food”, but it was just a half-hour of a guy chasing a gazelle.

I once dated a guy with premature ejaculation. I don’t know why. I knew it wasn’t going to last. In fact, I could see it coming.

So I donated blood today… Good to know my blood is gonna be running through some other guy’s boner