How does a vampire get through life with only one fang? He has to grin and bare it.

What’s a dog’s favorite chip? Ruffles 🙂

[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today

How do you know when your sister is on her period? Your dad’s dick tastes like blood.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car ? Carlos.

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

“Hey, did you hear about the blonde that lost over 85% of her intelligence?” “No, actually. How’d it happen?” “I dunno, but I hear that it happened at around the same time her husband died.”