Did you guys hear about the funk singer who stubbed his toe? He said “ow”.

Asian’s pets Asian’s eyes don’t water when their pets die, their mouths do.

Remember, freedom isn’t free. If you’re with the military-industrial complex, it can be incredibly profitable.

This guy’s all like “I think you’ve had enough beers for one night.” Then I’m all “Fuck you, fridge. Appliances can’t even talk.”

The whole Greek Mythology could be summed up in one line………… “Unfortunately, Zeus was feeling a bit too horny.”

Went to the Doctor Yesterday… Went to the Doctor yesterday, he thinks I suffer from Paranoia… Well, he didn’t say that, but I know he is thinking it!

Every morning when I wake up I wonder to myself, “Is today going to be the day that Lou Bega drops Mambo No. 6?”

What’s the matter? Hydrogen, mostly.

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren’t we helping to find them?

People tend to think I’m a serial killer…. They don’t think that for for very long though!