I caught a computer virus once. My thumbnails fell off…

What’s the the key to telling an ISIS joke? The execution.

Cantaloupe… or Wontaloupe?

Based on the novel ‘Push Notifications’ by iSapphire

So a black guy walks into a bank… Approaching the nearest available teller, he says, “Hi, I’d like to file for bankruptcy.” “Okay”, the teller replies, “what’s your name?” “Fifty Cent” badum tisss

What do you call the operation a woman gets to become a man? Addadicktome

What is the deal with airplane food? Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

why did Microsoft skip 9? because 7 , 8 , 9 !

Just made 7 decisions based on my phone’s battery life.