Girl told me she had a dream that I made love to her I mean, technically, she didn’t say “dream,” she said “nightmare,” but close enough.

What do you call a frightened nun? A nervous habit

What do you call a white guy who grew up in the ghetto? Tarzan.

[pharmacy] “I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills” PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof? “No thanks, I already believe in children”

What do you call a Canadian pimp? Jose (hoes eh?)

What’s the difference between an airport shop and a golf course covered in bacon? One’s a duty free, the others a Jew free tee.

A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes. Genie: What is your first wish? Joe: I want to be rich. Genie: Granted. What is your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.

Caitlin Jenner’s name should be Trans Trans Jenner

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.