[In a seahorse home] Son: Dad? Dad: Yes? Son: Happy M- Dad: DON’T Son: Moth- Dad: STOP Son: HAPPY MOTHERS DAY *Dad bangs head on desk*

How do you get the political science grad off your lawn? Pay for the pizza

i’d be ok with drone strikes if we used them against anyone who thinks mentioning “bacon” is funny

What do you call a potato shaped like a penis? A dictator.

Sometimes I like to sit at the playground & wait for a concerned Mother to ask “Which kid is mine?” I like to reply “I haven’t decided yet.”

What did the moon say to the window? Fuck off

Even that crack on the wall becomes more interesting when you’re meant to be studying.

The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.

Teacher : What’s your favourite letter ? Student: The letter G. Teacher : Why is that Angus ?

What do you say to a girl with a black eye? Nothing. You already told her.