I’m so Italian . . . I even text with my hands.

I guess you could call her a trophy wife. She’s tattooed with the names of the previous winners.

You know what’s really odd? Numbers not divisible by 2

How do you know a presidential candidate is lying? Their lips are moving.

I read a book about frogs today… It was ribbeting.

“IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?!?” I screamed on the plane. 3 men shot up. “Ok, now are any of you single? I need a sugar daddy. I do butt stuff.”

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

Wife and I are having an argument: At what point do we tell the highway it’s adopted?

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, “What do you expect for $10 — lobster?”

*young woman walks by Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think? Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT