“See? I’m not nothing,” I thought… …as the sliding glass doors opened for me 🙁

What are some good “hate on America” jokes from other countries? Try your best to offend me! I want something to make me go fuck, that was good.

Fighting childhood obesity…. ….is as easy as taking candy from a baby.

If the backup sensor beeping in my car is keeping with the beat of the song I’m listening to I’m probably just gonna hit whatever it is.

Vegetarians eat vegetables… What do veterinarians eat? (you thought I was gonna ask about humanitarians, didn’t you?)

I attached all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a waist of time.

I just forked over $5,000 for a reincarnation seminar I figured what the hell you only live once.

Reddit right now http://imgur.com/hcmqCjU

I am going to stay up tomorrow and watch the election results… But all the commercials say “If your election lasts longer than four hours, please call your doctor.”

How do you get a blonde on your roof? Tell her drinks are on the house.