What’s the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water? One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.

I went to the Zoo once. It had only one dog. It was a Shitzu.

Hey, Jose! How many of our friends do you see? Just Juan.

They’ve discovered King Kong was indeed heterosexual… …it was booty that killed the beast.

me: Did you brush your teeth? 9: Yes me *hands him a glass of orange juice* 9: Do I have to? me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

Women’s Rights.

I just bought a device that makes my car 95% quieter! It fits perfectly over her mouth.

Hey something came in the mail today… What? Deez Nutz! Haha Got Em!

What’s the sound of a water truck hitting a vinegar truck? KAAA DOOOUUCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[counseling] She gets angry a lot “He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere” YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN