Why did the hard drive crash? Because it had a bad driver.

You know what’s a weird Irish name? Patty O’furniture.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

What do a call a midget psychic that just robbed a bank? A Small, Medium, at Large

My thesaurus is awful. Not only that, it’s also awful.

What did the Father of Judaism sleep on? An Abra-Hammock I’m sorry

Waiter what’s this fly doing in my soup? It’s fly soup sir!

Wanna know why everyone is a pizza delivery guy? Because if you pick up pizza, you’re delivering it to yourself !! edit: RIP inbox!!!!

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent. These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

Pele sees a pretty woman at a bar. He approaches her and says “You’re very pretty. Fancy coming back to my place?” The woman says “My, you’re a little forward.”