I like my women how I like my dial-up Internet Always going down on me…

Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.

Happy 47th birthday, teens logging into adults-only websites! And the same to anyone else whose birthday actually *is* January 1st, 1969.

[At Vision Center] Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

I go to Taco Bell and throw in random adjectives to see if they notice. “I’ll have the Cheesy Double Sweaty Burrito.”

My Russian friends cringe everytime I tell a joke… Because in Russia line punch you.

corny joke I was going to tell you a joke about farms, but it was corny

Why was the lobster arrested? Because he was always pinching things.

The cannibal nervously decided to try his first human meal Much to his dismay, he got cold feet

In every soap opera we’ve ever watched, we are taught that running away and leaving doesn’t solve our problems Didn’t stop the Brits from trying