Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken!

I just discovered that Australia has a Canada day each year on 26 of May https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Sorry_Day

*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System *Czechs for ABS

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

A week before Abraham Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland… A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

What’s the hardest thing about a burning orphanage? My dick.

I felt like making some penis jokes today. Only problem is that they were too *hard* to make.

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.