And Jesus said, “Come forth and receive everlasting life….” But John came fifth, and only received a toaster oven.

Good thing is that the Irish won’t be leaving EU. Although, U2 would probably still sound as good With or Without EU.

How do you make an epileptic dance? Throw a flashbang into the room.

What do you call a pretentious criminal going down a flight of stairs? A condescending condescending

Monica Lewinsky says she’s not voting for Hillary if she runs because… …the last time a Clinton was in the White House it left a bad taste in her mouth!

I hate it when people can’t make a good sausage its the wurst

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

I phoned a Chinese restaurant. A guy answered and said “Hello, I’m Wang King the chef” I said “Don’t worry, l’ll call back later when you’re not busy “

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work. Help forum: Should’ve had a better case. Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.