Argon walks into a bar. And the bartender says, “We don’t serve Noble Gasses in here!” Argon does not react.

How many absurdists does it take to change a lightbulb? Yarn.

I tried eharmony. They kept matching me up with women who look like me in a wig. I’d be too intimidated to date someone that attractive.

How can you tell when a politician is lying? His lips are moving.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

A little bird told me that 5 Hour Energy shots can cure hangovers. Not sure I can trust a talking bird while on acid, though.

How is a hipster like a pedophile? They both get into things before it’s cool.

How do you get an elephant into a matchbox ? Take all the matches out first !

Why did Helen Keller’s dog run away? You’d run too if your name was “Raaawwwrgggah”.

Did you hear about the guy who died of constipation? Yeah, he stopped giving a shit.