My girlfriend called me a pedophile I said, “That’s a pretty big word for a six year old.”

Why did Mickey Mouse leave Minnie Mouse? She was fuckin’ Goofy.

I don’t care how polite your sign is, i’m flushing the toilet paper.

I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex. She told me she had been having sex with an A-Hole for years.

Chuck Norris has never lost his virginity. Chuck Norris never loses.

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

What do you call a Jamaican guy on the internet? A digimon.

*Goes into fabric store looking for girlfriend material*

To women over 40, a guy with a belly and a sense of humor is a great catch. A guy who’s buff is considered a narcissist and a pole-smoker.

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops at 3 hoes