How does Donald Trump rile up his constituency at a rally? “Wall Mart workers of the world, unite!!”

What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and glue? You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna

Meeting your ex IRL is like staring into a black hole There should be something there, but there isn’t. And it sucks.

What do you call a bird of prey born in the 00’s. A millennium falcon.

I got friend zoned today…. So I asked if she knew what incest was…

[Calls boss] I’m gonna be late… “How late?” *Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego* I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

When my wife starts to sing…. When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on.

I masturbated so good last night, when I woke up, my dick was making breakfast.

I was going to make a gay joke… …butt fuck it.

When you’re single nobody likes you… when you’re in a relationship everybody likes you.