What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? “DAM!”

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

Me: *Asks question on snapchat* Them: *Answers question on snapchat* Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

What does a mermaid wear to math class? An “algebra”

What kind of boxes do gay boxes like? Male Boxes.

when i die i want my kids to carry my casket. So they can let me down one more time.

What’s missing from star wars 7? Maybe [SPOILER] Nobody’s limbs.

I have this great joke about the Jonestown massacre but it’s difficult to tell The punch line is sooo long. Edit:typo

Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.

A guy at work calls me “Partner” and another guy calls me “Chief”. Apparently we’re playing Cowboys and Indians and I’m a double agent.