How Do You Get Stoned in Ancient Rome? Start shouting Jehovah.

A gun is like my penis…. On cold lonely nights sometimes I stick the end of it in my mouth

I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said “Watch for Children.” I’m going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

Why is a woman lie a hurricane? When she comes she’s wet and wild, but when she leaves she takes the house, the car and the kids…

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

My Internet was out for a while so I went downstairs to talk to my mom. She seems nice.

I used to work in a haunted pub… There was spirits everywhere.

What did the father say to the pedophile at the beach? “Hey you’re in my son”

Two terrorists are sittign around a campfire….. when all of a sudden a donkey comes along.. The first terrorist jumps up and shouts ” Look at that ass!”

While Ajax sales have been going down… It’s still stronger than Greece