If you are Russian when you go in the bathroom and Finnish when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? European (your a peeing)

when i die use my ashes to fill souvenir snowglobes to mimic the death rain of the apocalypse pouring down on a vacant cityscape. very metal

What’s the difference between a hook and a hooker? You can unscrew a hook, but you can’t unscrew a hooker

Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that’s how I feel today.

Did you hear about the shooting at the Kanye West concert? It was awful, they missed…

I was walking down the street in New York yesterday, when a black guy asked me if the Yankees won… I replied, “Yeah man, you’re free.”

So I saw a black man out on the street carrying a TV and thought, “Hey, that looks just like mine..”, But then I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes.

Exclamation point rules ! – good !! – excited !!! – awesome !!!! – starting to get creepy !!!!! – cheerleader creepy !!!!!! – own 20 cats

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant… …but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Two fish in a tank One turns to the other and says “how do you drive this thing?” Repost from a comment on /r/askreddit