What’s the difference between a Dutch comedian and a piece of steel pipe? One is a silly Hollander, the other is a hollow cylinder.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.

WTF!!!!!!!!!!! A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

What runs well and efficiently except when you need it to? The Seattle Seahawks

I didn’t get my period this month or any month prior to that. If I’m pregnant my parents will flip. Also science, science will also flip.

What did the stamp say to the envelope? “I’ve become attached to you.”

I didn’t fart, I flirted. That was a flirt! *runs away flirting*

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s got only his shelf to blame.

Even the coffee is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Wait…am I being poisoned? *drinks it anyway*