“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?” [over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago He’s never looked back

Why do aliens always disembark via ramp? Do they have problems with stairs? Or are flying saucers just handicap-accessible?

Rise and shine all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night.

If you’re Russian when you’re running to the bathroom, and Finnish when you’re leaving, what are you in between? European!

I bumped into my old English teacher. He said, “What’s new?” I said, “It’s an adjective.”

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

[NSFW] The worst part about kissing my wife after a blowjob… Is wondering if she can taste the other guy’s dick.

Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.

Why is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson always so sad? Everyone takes him for granite.