What’s blue and fucks old people? Me in my lucky blue coat.

Waitress dad jokes When waitress comes to the table ask if she takes orders ,”to go”? If she says yes respond with, “Great! Get your purse we’re leaving.”

What was Jeremy Clarkson on during Top Gear? SPEEEED!

My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex… I was bloody and sore by the end, but at least my dad came Repost from r/darkhumour

What’s the difference between a stoat and a weasel? One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatally different

*doctor moonwalks into office* “Your test results are back Mr Johnson. You tested positive for BEING FABULOUS!!” *Mr Johnson does the robot*

Yo mama is so slutty…. I saw her on a box of wheaties with her legs wide open, saying breakfast for champs.

Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?” Defendent: “Gucci Sweats and Sum Jordan’s”

Mistakes married women make: 1. Assuming he heard you. 2. Assuming he understood you. 3. Assuming he’ll remember. 4. Marrying a man.

If you’re afraid of elevators Take steps to avoid them.