My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights… You should’ve seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say: “Daddy, what’s an ‘Amber Alert’?”

I once stayed up all night wondering where the sun went then it dawned on me.

Getting up Is only the second hardest thing in the morning.

How much electricity is in the ground? 1 Terrahertz

What do you call unpredictable nudity? Erratica.

Who says Jesus couldn’t perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.

How do you get a little old lady to yell the F word? Get another little old lady to yell “Bingo!”

Manchester United

Some say I’m condescending It means I talk down to people.

Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I’m going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.