I like my women like I like my whiskey… ….15 years old and mixed up with coke.

Sodium and Hydrogen should be friends. NaH, sounds like a bad idea

(after bedtime) 3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM! Me: go to sleep. 3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU M: yes you can 3:NO I CAN’T

What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll-up

[First date & I’m super nervous] Her: Are you ok? Me: yesh. Her: did u just say yesh? Me: um Nosh.

What is the name of that casino on the beach? Pair-a-dice.

i don’t think i can go back to a white president

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month? Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

jokes jokes What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds. What’s the differece between a husband and a boyfriend? 45 minutes

What kind of tree would Hanna Montana be? A ‘Miley Cyprus’. Dear god, shoot me.