Police now use an iPhone app that scans irises to ID suspects. It replaces their previous method: scanning for dark skin

Every political Facebook status should start with, “First of all, I have no idea what I’m talking about.”

I want to be the reason you pee in six different directions every morning.

Press 1 for English. Press 2 for Spanish. Press 3 for Spanglish with Adam Sandler. Press 4 for Gibberish with Flava Fav. Press # for ham.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

Why does the French Military install rearview mirrors on their tanks? So that they can see the battle.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

It’s a bird! It’s a plane- -OH SHIT A PLANE IS COMING TOWARDS THE BUILDING

I was walking past the supermarket when I saw a sign saying, “All items: a third off.” I bought a dozen eggs but unfortunately 4 of them were bad.