Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags? Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.

Which dinosaur walks with a limp? a Myfeetasaur

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

I find giving things a thumbs down is a very negative response. I choose to be positive and give things the middle finger up.

What do you call an Irish snake in Lord of the Rings? Legolas

Why can’t you feel photons? Because they are light.

If we are not if we are not meant to have midnight snacks why is there a light in the fridge ?

Get off the goddamn Twitter, go out & live your life! I’ll be here when you get back

What do you call a website that steals all of Reddit’s Hitler jokes? Nein Gag.