The man who kept describing things as “Smooth as a pig’s butt” has apparently had different life experiences than me.

[At Wedding] Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife? Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

Sorry, science, but religion promised me a place where I’ll get to hang out with Grandma again.

My wife said she’s had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up. So I just packed my bags and right.

good morning class *farts* today we’ll *farts* be learning *farts* abou *farts* oh god *farts* call an ambula *farts* it hurts so much *fa

Who was the best player on the Seahawks last night? The Broncos’ center

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

Great weight loss tip: Become an astronaut.

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

What does a man with a foot long cock eat for breakfast? Well, this morning I had a hard boiled egg.