Why was the dictionary on the top shelf more expensive than the one on the bottom… Because it was a higher definition

A little drunk. Playing scrabble with my cat. Not sure who’s winning cause he’s eaten most of his tiles.

My doctor told me I need to stop masturbating I asked why, he said something about examining me. Lets see what you got Reddit. Keep the title and change the punchline.

How do you confused people in the 90s? Tell them “In 2016, we will be able to refer to someone as “Sir and/or Ma’am” And still be assuming someone’s gender.”

what does one rock use to propose to another rock? A bouldering. (Sorry guys ive been indoor rock climbing lately)

TIFU by downloading different captions Whoops, wrong sub.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the “p” is silent.

Know how to get a lot of head? Give Michael J. Fox a pitcher of beer

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too! HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours? T: i was born with it HC: *scoff* ok princess

What happened when the schoool bully went netsurfing? The goalkeeper kicked him out of the football ground.