Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

What did one snowman say to the other? “Can you smell carrots?”

*hears noise downstairs *wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first

You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..

What type of Martial Arts does Jesus know? Jiu Jitsu.

My mother picked up an Oreo but dropped it… My father looks and her and says, “too bad you have butter fingers when you want an Oreo.”

I wish I was Jewish Every time somebody farted I could say: “Are you a Nazi? Because you just gassed a Jew.”

Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…

Are you going to Scarborough Fair? No mate, sounds shit.

That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.