How do you bury a pothead? Coughin’

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson walk into a room…Oh God. This isn’t even a joke anymore. Help

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me? “Nah” *cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect* Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

*Hits Rock Bottom* Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

What’s the main ingredient in a Jedi martini? Qui-Gon Gin

Just like Jesus I can walk on water, if it’s cold enough.

A cabbage and a carrot get into a race, who wins? The cabbage, it’s a head

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.

What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor ? Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go !