I think my life is a Saturday Night Live sketch. It began with promise, but now it’s going nowhere and the last half sucks.

What Did The Time Traveler Do After He After He Ate Too Much? He Went Back Four Seconds.

What is a necrophiliac’s safe word? I’m alive.

Just so you know, people who don’t give a fuck don’t talk about how much they don’t give a fuck all the fucking time.

Doctor Doctor I think I’m a bridge. What’s come over you? Oh two cars a large truck and a coach.

Why can’t you trust a person with two butts? Because they’re bi-assed.

Sorry for letting the air out of one of your tires, delivery guy, but based on the way you cut my pizza, I assumed you liked things uneven.

Pulled this one on my son today. Son: Dad, today is palm Sunday. Me (Dad): Gimme some palm. *receives high five* Son: *not entertained*

Man I hate shower sex… Its hot, crowded, and i can never fit my junk into the faucet.

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.