TIL that I’m dyslexic. Whoops, wrong bus.

“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.

What makes a pun, fun? Add an h.

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking” -My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

What do you call a jockey that doesn’t get blowjobs? A headless horseman!

Just checked into hotel in Miami. They have a separate pool for redheaded people. I thought we were past this.

I like to watch fat people walk while a tuba plays in my mind.

I was going to yell “Surprise!” but missed the opportunity, now I’m stuck standing behind a curtain wondering when this becomes stalking.

Why do butter substitutes have such a hard time? Because they’re always being marginalized!

If a person becomes a murderer they go to jail If a cop becomes a murderer they get paid vacation.