I used that classic Liam Neeson line from “Taken” today.. “I will find you, and I will kill you.” My niece didn’t want to play hide and seek anymore.

Cats are like rapists My cat is a lot like a rapist. He has no concept of the words “Stop” and “No!”

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

If I was a funeral director, I’d tell everyone “I’ll see you later” & then wink, because it’s fun to freak people out.

Mathematically speaking, 9/11 was quite rational

Donald Trump has cancelled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, “They already have a wall and fear of Muslims. My work there is done.”

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go. Me: Do I have to? Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol. Me: *moonwalks to the car*

[Juice Bar] (Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass (Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back “sir” *hyenas laugh*

And the King of puns said It’s going to be another reigny day

Three tampon’s walking down the street… Which one says “Hi”? None, they are all stuck up cunts.