My girlfriend said “Give me 10 inches and make it hurt!” So I stabbed her with a ruler.

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.

I electrified a clickbait journalist’s toilet. Number 2 will shock them.

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?” Me, “No.” 5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

Reddit’s telling me not to spoil the Star Wars movie for anyone… … too bad my fantasies were already spoiled when Disney bought the rights.

Hot Air Balloons are like Marijuana… The more you blaze it, the higher you become.

After progressively lifting heavier weights, I was finally able to squat 600 pounds. Unfortunately, all that money still weighs less than a kilo.

Two cows are sitting in a bath tub. One asks, “Hey can you pass the soap?” The other replies, “No soap, radio”

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.