Saw an ISIS poster yesterday It read “Sign up for ISIS today! Receive free jacket and blowjob!”

When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.

What should you do when life gives you melons? Get tested for dyslexia.

I used my rosary as a whip today… Call me Indiana Joan of Arc

What do men who receive compressed porn files do when they are alone? They unzip.

Can you be electrocuted by a news story? The answer may shock you.

Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: Recalculating Route Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: Recalculating Route Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: You’re on your own, Idiot.

Why did the hipster go to the gynecologist? To get a Pabst smear.

What does 80 year old pussy smell like? Depends

Who did the ghost invite to his party? Anyone he could dig up.