My roommate confronted me yesterday… Do you think I’m a nosy bastard? No! Of course not! Then why did you write that in your diary!

I’m trying to tell fewer dick jokes But it’s really hard

What do you call a morbidly obese person who can predict the future? A four-chin teller.

why does the official Reddit app aways crash? Unfortunately Reddit has stopped working, would you like to report the issue?

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out… I say bought I actually stole it off a short fat, ginger kid

What does Batman have in his lemonade? Just ice.

What is an Italian with Alzheimer’s favorite espresso drink? Affogato!

Just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.

Hear about the farmer that stepped on a rake? He had two acres.

Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips? From trying to blow out lightbulbs.