What are a gorilla’s favorite months? Ape-ril and Bananuary

you stole my electron atom 1: you stole my electron. atom 2: sure? atom 1: positive!

I miss the old days Nostalgia was better back then.

My son has just earned his first boy scout award for ‘video gaming’. I guess the next ones will be for ‘social ineptitude’ & ‘pale skin’.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? No-one: feminists don’t change anything.

Just witnessed the shortest ever dispute in court about a guy who supposedly stole a woman’s bag. It was a briefcase.

My TV makes me wonder what song Samsung.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit* good luck shaking the police off loser *sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

I like to push the “stop time” button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.