I was going to tell a gay joke… Butt fuck it.

It really doesn’t matter what the tattoo across your collar bone says. All I see is “My Dad Never Went To My Little League Games Sober.”

Doctor! Doctor! I think I have Barry Manilow’s disease! “What are your symptoms?” “I can’t laugh and I can’t sing. I’m finding it hard to do anything!”

Luis Suarez has confessed he had planned on biting Wayne Rooney. However,he also said he doesn’t like the taste of shit.

“Well, very clearly cats were sacred to them.” – Archeologist who discovers the Internet

How does a man who has just had his legs cut off at the ankles feel? Defeated

Life on earth is expensive, but it does include an annual free trip around the sun

How do you tell a good monster from a bad one? If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!

I accidentally earned a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do the last time a bee flew near my face.

What did the Secret Service agent say to the President-elect when someone tried to take a shot at him? Donald, Duck!