Thought I saw God in my rear-view mirror yesterday… Turns out it was just a dog.

I don’t like to boast about my sexual prowess but… (NSFW) I don’t like to boast about my sexual prowess but I lick ass at cunnilingus. Oops, I mean kick ass. That was just a slip of the tongue.

Did you hear about the man who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Why does the universe expand?…. All the Milky Ways. You get it.

They’re building a restaurant on Mars now… They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.

How did pirates communicate before the internet? Pier to Pier Networking

The creator of throat lozvenges died and i went to his funeral no coffin there

I treat my body like a temple.. That’s been destroyed by ISIS

A man walks into the bar… The bartender: “Hi Dave!” The boss faints.

The best part about being ugly? You don’t have to change your profile picture for Halloween.