What do The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common? Icy Dead People.

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?

Male ladybugs prefer to be called “bugs.”

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever! My gf 2nd month: listen

Where do Mathematicians sail? Indices.

What does an electrician say while meditating? Ohm… Ohm…

When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!

I work with a guy named Rick. I’m pretty sure he spells his name with a silent “P.”

Why was the Muslim arrested for speeding during Ramadan? Because he was going *to fast*!