My business running a dating agency for chickens just folded. Its hard making hens meet.

HER: You didn’t make a reservation? ME: I got this. (to Maitre D’) Perhaps *this* will jog your memory? M: A handful of Skittles, sir?

A gerund, infinitive, and a past participle walk into a bar. Drinking, to drink, to get drunk

This guy at my school has eight zits on his face. We call him octo pus.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

If Rand Paul ran for president and put Scott Walker on his ticket as running mate, their campaign would be Paul Walker 2016

Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment? He had some time to kill.

What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr.Dre

Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk? Because their wives are driving.

Why couldn’t the Mexican go hunting? Because he didn’t habanero!