When my toaster broke, my wife left me. I guess she was lack toast intolerant

You know why when geese fly in a V, one side of the V is longer than the other? More geese on that side.

By now, I’ve stopped calling it “sandwich” meat and started calling it “stand in front of the fridge and eat it out of the baggie” meat.

Damn girl, are you from Syria? Because you’re revolting.

What do you call a search for small guitars? Uke hunt!

What does someone do after they eat too much bacon? They go hog wild

I have an EpiPen I’ll use it as a weapon to fend off the repost haters.

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween” Me: “It’s Halloween?”

*stares into distance* Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

Some people are like Slinkies… They’re not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.