I like to stop at the UPS store late at night and leave little notes on their door letting them know I stopped by but they weren’t open.

Brain: stop eating! Me: why B: you’ll get fat M: so? B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach! M: oh *stops eating*

How do you insult an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it is from.

Christmas breakup: play Lexus commercial theme, when they run outside have all their crap packed for them on your driveway, lock the door.

You Tolkien to me?!” – Hobbit de Niro.

The executioner let me tie my own noose He said I’m getting the hang of it.

You’re the reason why women earn 75 cents to the dollar.

Why so many conservative white Americans voted Obama? Old whites on their deathbeds saw “the light” people so often experience when they approach death, and accidentally voted for it.

Can a hamburger marry a hot dog? Only if they have a very frank relationship!

Friend ran in the Boston Marathon, He said he had a blast but can’t feel his legs.