*brings donuts to work* Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat. Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

My misery likes tequila, not company.

If all else fails, pretend you don’t speak English.

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

Did you hear about the guy in the Islamic State who was caught smoking weed? He was stoned.

I found my first gray pube the other day. It was in a kebab.

A man who has no right arm and no right leg falls off his wheelchair Thankfully, a woman passing by noticed him and approached him, offering some help. “Are you alright?” “No, I’m not. I’m all left.”

Either way she’s getting a D I can’t remember if she asked me for my class notes or for a dick picture, either way she’s getting a D.

Crack babies are really sad but meth babies are super productive.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”